The signal
Sharp comments in PRs, avoided meetings, third parties bringing it to you, drop in collaboration on shared work.
What it really means
Unresolved conflict between two people becomes a team-wide tax within weeks. Your absence is not neutrality — it's permission.
Your first response
Talk to each person separately first. Don't host a joint meeting until you understand both sides and the underlying issue.
The Playbook
1. Separate fact from narrative
- Meet 1:1 with each person. Ask for specific incidents, not characterizations.
- Listen for the unmet need under the complaint: respect, autonomy, recognition, clarity.
- Identify what each person actually wants to change.
2. Decide if mediation is appropriate
Not all conflict needs a joint meeting. Sometimes a structural change (different projects, clearer ownership) resolves it faster.
- If trust is broken but goals overlap, mediate.
- If one party has acted inappropriately, address that directly first.
- If it's irrecoverable, separate them organizationally.
3. Run the joint conversation
- Set norms upfront: speak for yourself, no interrupting, focus on behavior.
- Each person shares: what happened, the impact, what they need.
- End with explicit commitments — written, specific, time-bound.
Things you can actually say
“I want to understand what's going on between you and X from your perspective. I'm not here to judge — I'm here to help us get to a workable place. Walk me through specific moments.”
“We're here because the current dynamic isn't working for either of you or for the team. The goal isn't to agree on the past. It's to agree on how we work from here.”
What to avoid
- — Taking sides, even privately.
- — Hoping it resolves itself — it almost never does.
- — Letting one person's louder version become the accepted account.
The follow-through
- Check in with each person separately after 2 weeks.
- If commitments aren't kept, escalate to consequences quickly.
- Reflect: what did you tolerate too long that let it grow?